How many times have our expectations not coincided with reality? Even when it came to close people whom we seem to know quite well. Psychologists help us understand the causes of high expectations and find ways to avoid them.
Expectations from the relationship are based on our experience. Children expect their parents to feed, protect and support them. But some parents will not take care of their child properly: they keep him alone for a long time, do not react to his requests, and are cold with him. If the child does not have to get attention from the parent, he feels abandoned and unnecessary. The conviction guides him that he does not deserve love.
Growing up, we transfer to other people a thirst for love and attention, which we could not get from the parent. We expect from friends and loved ones that they will fulfill what we lacked in the child. If someone shows kindness to us, we are ready to trust him fully. We believe (as well as the child): if you are good, our chosen one will definitely appreciate and love us. But if he is not ready to accept this pole, we lose interest in it and break up relations, not letting them develop.
Five most common expectations that are harmful to relationships
In a friendly relationship, partners guess thoughts and anticipate the desires of each other. “He understands me from the floor. I feel it even at a distance. We are talking about telepathic communication. " When partners are attracted to each other or live together for a long time, they really tend to attract each other. But the thought that someone has to guess the meaning of our words and practices leads to disillusionment and tearing away from reality. We transfer to other people a thirst for love and attention that we could not receive from our parents. For example, people who suffer from schizophrenia can eradicate imaginative relationships with young people: to wait for messages, instructions, and protection.
There are no conflicts in happy relationships. Moments of misunderstanding happen to everyone. No matter how you get along with each other, all the same, it happens to the case. Some vapors only believe that it is incompatible with cops and try to avoid them under any pretense. As a result, pretensions are accumulated, which are then broken through.
A happy relationship is always the same as at the beginning. In order to be healthy and strong, relationships must develop. In the course of his life, each of us experiences internal changes, crises, and changes in his views and priorities. To consider that the relations should always remain the same as in the very beginning - means to negate the very change of our nature. Some couples believe that they are incompatible with cops, and they try to avoid them by any means.
Happy couples will spend all their time together. Lovers do not need a community of friends. It is important for partners to spend time together in order to understand each other better, to maintain warmth and adherence. But at the same time, each of us has our own interests, every time for yourself. Striving at whatever becomes to divide everything into two can lead to mutual irritation and separation.
If it is necessary to "work" over relations, it means that something is wrong with them. One of the most common misconceptions is that the relationship should develop smoothly. As soon as scopes and grievances arise in the couple, this supposedly says that the partners made the wrong choice in the first place. But no relationship can be ideal from the very beginning. As well as in life as a whole, in relations, we try different methods. If the first serious disagreement makes one of the partners doubtful in their choice, then he or she should wonder if they are ready for serious relationships.
Of course, each of us has his own plans, ambitions, and dreams. And our life is passing in constant expectations of someone or someone. However, very often, all these expectations lead to unbelievably many problems. And the point is that we raise our own requirements for ourselves and for those around us, which is not due to our disappointment and resentment. This is especially evident in relations with people. A. Maslow said about this as follows: “In order to avoid being enchanted in people, we must get rid of illusions. Know how to accept people as they are. Perfect people are not safe. You can find good people, but even they are at times selfish, healthy, and grubby. "
You have not wondered why parents, friends, loved ones, and people as a whole are offended at us? There is one banker rule that says, "Protect your investment." This means that people experience anger and resentment against us when we do not justify their investment. They include in us certain expectations, emotions, desires, time. And they want the bank to work for them all the time, and they can return the same answer at the first request. The more the investor does not receive the corresponding attention, the more responses, the more he is offended, and the less he wants to invest. A bit of selfishness and performance in our own business. It is difficult to explain to the investors what their investment is under reliable observation and in turn. But they need here and now! And even having received his return, the investor feels alone and poor. Because no matter how much he received, the need for carelessness, understanding, attention and unnecessary constant, and thirst for nothing to quench.
From our very childhood, we begin to build our own path and choose: who we want to be, what to do, as much as we will be children and others. The more desires we have, the more we try to apply forces for their implementation. If the fulfillment of what is expected depends on the people close to us, then they also incline expectations about which they might not be able to guess. And the greater the risk of being disappointed in them. This is met in all spheres of relations. At work, you look for co-workers, in personal relations for a beloved person, in the family - for a child, a parent. Sometimes we wait silently, sometimes we ask, but more often we need people to meet our expectations, by the way, that we ourselves have created about them. In some cases, this is very useful, so we will help someone to open up, create a push, and await action. But more often than not, our expectations carry a selfish character and are more reminiscent of tyranny rather than help.
“When an internal situation is not perceived, it appears from the outside, as a fate” Karl Gustav Jung. Very often, high expectations appear not only in relation to other people but also in relation to yourself. Unaware of their possibilities for a given moment, a person can get over, get angry and bother himself for what he could do for a long time in life. And if there are still successful friends in a close environment, then all life can become a burden because they will be a constant reminder of what you don’t have. Similar comparisons lead only to the victim's syndrome. And in addition to the fact that you can fully follow your own goals, you can start to live someone else's life. To start doing unnecessary traffic, to buy unnecessary things, just because they are with others. You need to straighten out only your goals and follow them. Quietly, deliberately, realistically assessing the situation and possibilities.
Some can be satisfied with a small penny and be happy from the smile of another all day long. And thirst not to drown others, even having spent their whole life with them, because they are lonely and poor in themselves. They need an everlasting confirmation of their need, but as long as they don’t tell about it, they don’t believe it, and they put it in disbelief, like Are you realistically assessing your strength, or do you also have excessive needs for yourself and others? Let the people dissolve the created higher expectations and remember the basic principles: Allow yourself to be yourself and friend - to be different. Never expect anything from other people. No one should have anything to do with you. And you don't need anyone. Only in this way will you save yourself from disappointments. You want to enjoy life, being in the present moment. Adequately look at your own capabilities. Goals gradually, checking for the accuracy of each step. Start to appreciate and respect yourself for everything you have achieved! Be happy to reach it! And others appreciate what they have already given and give you, but not what they could give. By observing these simple rules, you can adequately approach the organization of your own life without falling into expectations and avoiding unnecessary requirements. And then everything is around; you yourself and those around you will be presented in a new form. We choose life without high expectations! Have you ever wondered why there are so many odd people around? It is very difficult to meet a happy person, so it seems that a life full of fears and misgivings is normal.
In fact, this should not be: the normal state of mind is good health and peace. Lofty expectations for ourselves, loved ones, their level of supply, carriage, and many other things make us inaccurate. A person with excessive expectations seems to think that in his unstable internal state, there is a guilty environment and some incomplete work. He is sure that he is indifferent because of the lack of fulfillment of his desires and that he has to be satisfied; he must achieve that dream come true. But lofty expectations differ from a healthy desire for improvements to those that they are unfounded - they are not supported by the real possibilities of the object, but By the way, this is a psychological deviation, which is supported by anxiety unconsciousness, and suspicion. Those who have caused the syndrome of heightened desires always seem to be worth more than they have. At this point, such people do not realize that they do not correspond to the level of personal demands.
Higher requirements also apply to yourself: you need to be the best, to do everything at the highest level - from everywhere, there is perfectionism. But for this purpose, we are worthy of exactly what we get. And our soul will only depend on perception. Either we are too demanding for our life - and because we are not happy with the fact that it does not meet our higher expectations, or if we accept it.
You just need to remember that the husband (wife) and children are people, they also have their own weaknesses, and yes, not everyone is expected to become the leaders of millions of companies. The first step in the fight against the syndrome of high expectations is his awareness, the understanding that this is a trap of self-deception, in which you cannot fall. If all the time you think that everything could be better, then you can suffer from this infinitely, as long as there is no perfection. The most profitable investment, as a rule, is an investment in yourself. Only constant self-development makes a person interesting, both for those around him and for himself. The presenters of the perfect sex often complain: "It is so difficult to find a suitable partner." But, as you know, there are all reasons. And one of them is lofty expectations. Not only young romantic girls but also mature experienced women are waiting for a meeting with an ideal man. Unfortunately, such expectations lead to the fact that a woman starts to choose a partner on the principle of "All or nothing": if a man does not meet all her expectations, she remains alone.
It is necessary to look at your requirements and requests, and change the principle of comparison: to compare real men, but not a hero from a movie or a book and a real; To compare not men-pretenders between you, but your feelings during communication with each of them.
If the expected partners seem to you too "imperfect," then think about whether your higher requirements are not connected with inadequate quality. Maybe you don’t pronounce different from your ideas, opinions, and beliefs? And maybe your pretensions and requirements relate only to others, but not to yourself?
Higher expectations often arise in people with low self-rating because they do not feel themselves to be adequate. Try not to respect yourself, regardless of whether you have your current partner or not. Develop your advantages, increase your self-assessment.
We cannot demand from people that they share all our beliefs and have an analogous view of life. Your love or girlfriend will never be as full of yourself as you want. Take the fact that there is no second half; there are whole people with their own opinion and interests. You have to clear them up if you want to be happy about them.